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Murphy wasn't a cop, but if he was, he'd be riding shotgun in my car.
Pepper's Rules of Law Enforcement
1. The one time you decide to call a buddy and rant about an administrator, will be the one time you also have a radio microphone stuck open.
2. Administrators have their sense of humor removed when they pass the lieutenant exam.
3. Old patrol cars never die, they just smell that way.
4. If you wreck your nice patrol car, expect to get issued one that smells dead.
5. If you get issued an administrator's car, and wreck that one, refer to rule #2.
6. A sergeant who remembers he's a leader and not a manager, is worth his weight in gold.
7. An administrator who remembers he's a leader and not a manager, is worth his weight in gold, and probably exists somewhere in a different department.
8. Administrators rarely have to use the equipment they issue.
9. Starting a report with, "It was a dark and stormy night..." will require you to refer to rule #2.
10. Beginning an explanation of a cluster*&%$ to a Lt. with, "Well, you see, Deputy ***** said I didn't have a hair on my ass if I wouldn't ...." is going to guarantee a review of rule #2.
11. When told by a violator, "Do you know who I am?" a proper response is not, "Well, if you don't know, that means we're gonna be here a while." It is a guarantee of a review of rule #2.
12. Everyone you deal with will be drunk, angry, or high. Probably a combination of all three.
13. Drunk, angry, or high people don't like to listen.
14. No, the badge and gun won't make them listen any better.
15. I am tougher without the badge and gun, it just weighs me down. But because of rule #2, I still can't take them off.
16. If you felt good saying it, remember rule #2.
17. Cars, radios, guns, all break. But you aren't allowed to break.
18. Budgets shrink. Crime rarely does.
19. When your zone partner buries the front of his patrol car into the back of a donut van because he's a moron, it's not usually appreciated if you point, laugh hysterically, and take pictures for the department Christmas party. If you do, expect payback when you least expect it.
20. Back up your buddy's play. Unless he's doing something illegal, or immoral, he's your buddy and will do the same for you. Argue the method and his madness later.
21. Bring friends to the fight. Bring more friends than you think you'll need.
22. There are those who will forget rules 20 and 21. If they forget 21, get there and help. If they forget 20, they're scum.
23. The worst disappointments will not come from those who don't wear a badge. There are 'tards in all professions, hopefully someone notices ours before someone gets hurt.
24. Real cops drink strong, black coffee.
25. Bring a pen. Hell, bring two. You'll probably need both.
26. The second after you issue the last citation in your citation book, you'll see a speed racing, suspended, uninsured driver.
27. Court will only fall on your days off, if you work day shift. If you work nights, it will only fall on your work days.
28. Bring a flashlight. Even on day shift, buildings are dark.
29. If your zone partner's nickname is "Boomer", shotgun searches could be interesting.
30. Try to get a zone partner that *&$%'s up more than you do. If the sergeant ever utters the words, "Why can't you be more like Pepper", you're GOLDEN. At least for a couple of hours.
31. Letting the sergeant see the maximum recorded speed on your personal GPS, is generally a "bad thing".
32. The day you think you can get to a priority call without lights and siren fast enough, you'll be wrong. The time you run lights and siren to a priority call, you'll get complaints because you roared by the mayor's house at 0300.
33. Raincoats are a pipe dream. Lined rain coats mean you'll be as soaked in sweat as you are rain.
34. Vests are hot, uncomfortable, and a pain in the ass. They also may save your life.
35. That area that absolutely NEVER has any problems? Yeah, the time you decide to work traffic on the other side of your zone, that will be the night that you have 5 burglaries, and 12 car prowls, in that perfect neighborhood.
36. No matter what, this is still the greatest job in the world.
37. Spouses that understand crappy hours, mandatory overtime, and court intruding into their lives, are worth more than than a great administrator.
38. The badge will get the girl, but the girl will get the badge.
39. The time you save a child from a burning building, no one will remember your name. But you stuff a car in the back of a donut van, you'll get your picture on The Tonight Show. (this actually happened to a former co-worker)
40. Reporters are not your friends, no matter what they say. Send them to the office, you have a PIO for a reason.
41. If you're on a hot call, and a reporter is bugging you, making up a phony command post and sending them 15 blocks away is going to bite you in the butt, remember rule #2. Sending an administrator to the same phony command post, will guarantee a review of rule #2.
42. Going into a parking lot and running every tag through dispatch will guarantee a really, really, really horrible/nasty/stinky call gets held for you. Dispatchers are like administrators, at least in reference to rule #2.
43. If she sounds hot on the phone/radio, she's not. If she actually is hot, she's on her third cop husband, and is prowling for another poor schmuck working third shift to buy her a house in a few years.
I'll add more later, or would welcome additions from any of our resident cops/firemen/EMT's/dispatchers.
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"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character" - Einstein
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July 25th 2009 11:39 AM
